Living hell. Chapter twenty six. Life worth living.
64Living hell
Withdrawing from Seroxat was terrifying. I lost touch with reality and very nearly lost my mind for good. Whilst withdrawing from the drug, I convinced myself that someone was going to take my children away. I tried to remind myself that such thoughts were a result of the drug affecting my mind and not to listen to them. And then one night, I heard a knock on my door and my heart nearly burst. I was terrified. It was dark outside but I pushed my children out the back door, telling them not to make a sound. "Go and hide behind the shed and stay there until I come get you", I whispered, as I pushed them out into the garden. I quietly sneaked out of my garden's side gate, made my way along the wall and then hid behind a bush in the darkness, watching to see who was knocking. Two, rather large looking men, stood at my front door. I suspected they were police coming to take the children. As I watched, one of them pulled a gun from his pocket. I was shocked and confused and there was not enough time to think of what to do next. The one with the gun, said, I’ll go round the back’, and started walking in my direction. I was terrified. I seriously thought they were going to kill me and take my children. I dived at the legs of the one with the gun, knocking him off balance. I jumped on his back and I found strength to hold down his hand with the gun, to stop him from aiming at me and blowing my face off. Somehow, the gun ended up in my hand and I was now aiming it at the man who was now on the floor, looking up at me. In the seconds that followed and in fear of the other man coming round the corner, I felt that I had no choice but to kill him. I aimed, closed my eyes and fired the gun. When I opened my eyes I saw that the bullet had hit him in the forehead and he was laid there with his eyes wide open, dead. The next thing I remember, I was hiding in a dark doorway of my neighbour’s house, holding my breath for fear the other man would hear me breathing and find me. I had just killed a man and I felt hysterical. I stifled all sounds by gagging myself with my gloves. I saw the feet and lower legs of the other man very close to me. Convinced he was going to find me I buried my face in my hands and quietly begged God to help me. When I opened my eyes again, I found myself hiding behind a chair in my own house. I was shocked and confused, I could not understand what was happening to me. Eventually I realised that what I had experienced was another hallucination but even knowing that, I was convinced I had killed a man. I was also afraid and convinced that I was going to hurt someone whilst I was having one of these hallucinations.
I had to be strong mentally to deal with my suppressed pain, to stop it from exploding out of me for the entire world to see. I knew that I was having thoughts of hurting others; I knew that was not in my nature to want to harm another. I felt that I was on the edge of the cliff of insanity and was in danger of toppling over. In my journal, I wrote, "I feel like I am finally allowed to become insane. It will soon be over and I will cease to exist and I will never have to deal with this life again".
I felt like I was dying and then came a day when I was aware of drifting away to a deep dark place, somewhere inside of myself. Everything was closing in on me. No sounds penetrated my darkness and I felt like I was fading. It was a peaceful feeling. I felt no emotional pain, just a deep dark calm. Then I heard these words of a song, 'The storm is over', by R Kelly, coming from a radio somewhere in the distance. I latched on to those words when the next wave of intense emotions hit me and I was back on the settee with the sun shining down on me, very much alive. In my journal I wrote "The song gave me some comfort". The words of the song seemed like a personal message for me and when I heard them I was lifted in a way that I can only described as spiritual. I felt enlightened and that the storm was really over now. In my journal I wrote, "I am crying tears of joy because I can feel heaven and I know that freedom is just before me. I feel that I am not alone and I am close to releasing all my pent up pain. In the next line I wrote, "I am terrified now and seriously want to scream and panic. The feelings come over me in terror ridden pain and sometimes I feel like I will suffocate and will not survive the next wave of fear. I feel like I am on a emotional roller coaster to hell in one second and then I feel like I am soaring up to heaven in my heart before crashing down to hell". I remember constantly having to remind myself that I was going through withdrawal and not completely going insane because at times I thought was all over. At times I felt that I was losing myself, like my mind was trying to shut down and I would know no more. Eventually the intense symptoms of withdrawal passed and again I was left feeling angry about what I had experienced.
Later I researched the drug and the first thing I found out was that many other users suffered similar symptoms, including electric shocks, hallucinations, aggressiveness, anger and frustration. I found that in America the drug was marketed under a different name, Paxil. I read about a man in America who had taken the drug and killed members of his own family before killing his self, he had never shown any signs of violence before. The drug was found to be the cause of his personality change. Many killings, birth defects and suicides have been blamed on this drug. I spoke to a well known women’s' magazine and they ran a story of my experiences and others who had taken the drug came forward. Some had positive experiences and some, like myself, had a negative experience whilst taking this drug.
I wrote to a solicitor about my experiences with the drug and sent him all research I had found pertaining to the anti depressant and he agreed to help me. Along with others we started action against the manufacturer of the drug who had always claimed that clinical tests showed that the drug was safe, non addictive and no withdrawal problems. They were found to be liars and law suits were started forcing the manufacturer to pay up hefty compensation claims. I could not continue with my claim and was dropped by the solicitors when I could not come up with £900 to pay private psychiatrist to check me out.
I was very angry at first. I felt like they owed me for the robbed years, for pain and suffering, for the nightmare I had lived, for being incapable of working because I was too disturbed to even leave the house, for robbing me of my sanity, robbing my kids of a capable mother. They thought differently and I was to get nothing. I was grateful that my campaign to make people aware had done that and people were getting the help they needed. The drug and its side effects was discussed on the even national news and I hoped doctors all over the country understood just how dangerous this drug Seroxat, and others like it, to the sanity of those taking it.
I felt a different sort of anger now, in the past I was angry about what had happened to me, about the services meant to protect me, letting me down, about the NHS letting me down and abusing my body with drugs. This is what I call legal abuse, if you complain then you are punished or declared mentally ill and irrational. I felt angry for other women out there whose life, like mine, had been affected by the use of legally prescribed drugs. It hurt to think there were others who, had found the courage to seek help only to be drugged and pushed to one side. Determined to feel better and have a happier life, I trained as a counsellor in the hopes of helping myself and others. The experience gave me a purpose in life and that was to help others who were suffering from depression and unhappiness. I needed to talk about my experiences from my childhood and the drugs did not allow that and I knew others were going through the same. I made it my goal to learn to be there for other women who were suffering but did not want to take drugs.
